I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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