Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
