Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
