Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
