I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
