I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
