I just made out with a guy for $7.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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