So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
