Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
