3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
