I'm jealous of your bromance
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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