i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
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