It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
