Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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