seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
