Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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