I wish life had little blips of pornography
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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