I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
