You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
