Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Randomize
