So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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