I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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