I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
