Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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