Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
