Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
