Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
