hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Randomize
