Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
