i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
