I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
We left an ass print on the piano.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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