words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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