My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Randomize