I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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