I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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