just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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