yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
