Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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