I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
