he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
