Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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