I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
