new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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