WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
