I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
