I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Randomize
