i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
He passed out mid-signature
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
