the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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