I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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