If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
