I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
This can only be settled by a dance off.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
