Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Randomize
