And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I need to align my fucking chakras
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
